A Mix of Fondness and Fear--A Poem

Below is a poem I wrote a long time ago, somewhere around my early to mid 20s. During that time young kids are making decisions that will impact the rest of their lives.  I was no different, wandering sometimes securely, sometimes aimlessly. All I really knew was that I was sincerely desirous of serving God, of following Jesus. There were so many details I didn't know, couldn't know.  The future can be scary looking into it from the eager but wild-eyed perspective of a young person.

I post this poem because, surprise surprise, I never have really outgrown some of those feelings. I have come to realize that I should never lose some of them, because they obligate me to live by faith, at whatever age, even two times twenty or better. Things have changed. I have proven that God is faithful.  All those lonely, but not alone ponderings into a starry night sky, all those questions asked out loud and in my mind...some of them have been answered.  But not all of them.  Although my current home does not afford such a grandiose view of a starry sky due to the brightness of the city and the dust in the air, I still peer upward, wondering, with an open heart.  I no longer doubt. I know. God is there, He is aggressively with me, constantly aside of me, above me and before me.

God is there, just behind the veil, almost close enough to taste and touch, but still hiding, for a while longer. The brillance of the land I seek shines blinding light into my world occassionally, but sparingly. Just enough to not despair. Just enough to light the way.

 

MIDSUMMERNIGHT'S DREAM

Walking on a time line, between dimensions

Of light and space, a wheel of colors
Spinning around, a mirrored reflection
In a sea of glass and memory.

A bright, dark sky with soft clouds

Floating by, headed who knows where,
Bright stars shout out loud
As night becomes day, or so it seems.

And thoughts so dark and deep and clear

Such that I cannot fully express
Bombard my mind, a mix of fondness and fear,
Impressions, feelings, hopes, dreams.

As the passing years become as days

All strung out like a pattern repeated, 
Conceived, designed, fashioned, replayed
Over and over and over again.

I sit myself down in a quiet enough place,

As I've done before, to peer into the night
To examine, refine, reject, and replace
This swirling of faces, ideas, beliefs.
 
I am alone, and I feel all the pain
Of living with so many questions.
How in the world will I ever regain
A conscience complete, a soul satisfied?
 
I've traveled far, and I bear the scars
Of too many unanswered pleas.
Is it too early to finish, too late to start...
Experiencing what I say I believe?
 
The clouds run away, and I hear the wind say
As it rustles and whistles my name,
That I just have to wait, there will come a day,
When all that is dark will be clear.

I will seek, then, to live what I know and believe,

Content not to know the whole plan;
Seeking to love those You've given to me,
Staking my life on the vows You have made.

Run ‘cross the sky, clouds fringed with silver

Reflecting the light of the moon.
I will seek the sun; the light that delivers
My soul from its twilight fears.

RF